No more children. It’s such a sad thing to think, but at the same time makes me exhale a little easier just thinking about it. When Justin and I were family planning we always thought we would have three kids. We both came from a family with four children, so three just seemed like a nice, easy to manage number. Our girls’ age were spaced out nearly exactly how we had planned (we were hoping for a two year separation between the kids, they’re two years and a day apart), our family was falling right into place! But after our second girl Averie was born our plans changed.
It’s strange really, I’m still not even sure what sparked the change. A feeling of contentment in how things were in our lives seemed to take over us. While I was still on maternity leave I donated and sold my maternity clothes. I remember running errands and Justin asked me what I was selling at Clothes Mentor as I emptied bags from the trunk and I told him my maternity clothes. He responded, “Oh, I guess we’re done.” It wasn’t even a question really I don’t think, I just replied back “Yup, we’re done,” and that was the end of the conversation. Since then we’ve talked about how great having just two has been: we only have two hands, we have a spare room for guests, we don’t need a bigger car, cheaper to travel, two fit in a bathtub, one child per adult, even number- no one is left out, cost of entertainment (eating out for dinner, admission to parks, etc.) is low, we could carry one and hold the hand of the other with ease and the list goes on! It’s never been a case of “I would never go through pregnancy-childbirth-infancy-whatever again.” For our family it’s always just been a feeling of completion.
Every day with Averie is a reminder that this is it though. It’s just the four of us and we’re happy, but every milestone or tiny little thing she does makes me realize that I won’t be experiencing this fraction of a moment in time again. And it’s not that I have baby fever or want another, it’s just bitter sweet seeing your last child grow up, you know? She still sits in my lap and cuddles into my chest. I can still rock her for ten seconds before bed. She still has those squishy baby cheeks that I kiss on ALL day long. The other night I watched her eat her spaghetti — my baby that I feel like I was just nursing the other day ate her meal with a big girl fork and used a napkin. I wanted to cry and she just looked over at me and smiled. wiped her face and said she was done. Every day there’s that little voice in the back of my mind saying, “Just look at her, that’s your baby. Your little baby is growing up before your eyes. Go over there and smooch on her some more.”
And shoot, our first born is already five. Don’t even get me started on how old she is already — that’ll be a tale for another day. Did you know that baby books end after age five!? After her first day of Kindergarten next year Ariana’s baby book will be complete. *sigh* I don’t feel like anyone warned me that every single day of parenting would be filled with bitter sweet moments that build you up and then make you cry bit fat ugly mama tears. And nothing is more bitter sweet than thinking “no more children.” Our two little girls have completed our family. If God sees us fit to increase our numbers, so be it. But for us, for now, this is it. Just the four of us. And it rocks.